Northward

I need to get away from this feeling,

this overwhelming crisis of self -

stuck in between dreams, past and present

somewhere a few avenues beyond help.

The only thing I know for sure,

is that I have no fucking clue.

Everyone telling me what they think

though no one can tell me what to do.

I tried buying my way out of it,

selling my soul, time, and age-

giving up on finding myself

for a salary well above minimum wage.

Whether this is what I wanted,

or an act of necessity - I can’t really tell.

Wants and needs got blurred along the way,

I’ll find out when I reach hell.

I know they’ll call me crazy

when I pass up another opportunity –

that I don’t know what’s good when I have it.

But they don’t know what this will do to me.

For god’s sake, I need room to breathe

I’m only the younger end of twenty.

My path should be mapped by trial and error,

not by finding safety in money.

I fear that if I go through with it,

if I sign my name on the line,

everything I was supposed to be

will never get to be mine.

And though I have questioned God

I have never doubted his plans for me.

I’m not meant to live by the traditional -

with every scar I’ve earned that’s plain to see.

LMA

Truth is,

I have no fucking idea

what I’m doing.

I’m sitting here

writing poems

that no one will ever see.

Selling t-shirts by day,

and scooping ice cream by night.

Somewhere in the night’ s night

I’m supposed to be living.

Not the real kind, though.

The money is nice,

but the purpose is missing.

And goddamn

do I miss the purpose.

I’m telling myself

that one day soon,

I’ll stop this menial nonsense

and search for the purpose again;

put away the bank bag

that’s weighing me down,

and live without limits.

But I don’t think I can.

The person I used to be

got lost along the lines.

She got too wrapped up

in someone else’s game.

And oh my

            did she lose.

Now on a shaky foundation,

mason jars

of tips and whiskey,

I’ve got to rebuild.

I’ve got to find

that whole hearted purpose.

Because this isn’t living,

this is slaving.

And I’ll be damned

if I waste my life

confusing the two.

-LMA

You have given me some of the best moments of my life; never extravagant or other worldly, but simple beautiful moments.. I have been searching for that my whole life, and you’ve brought it to me. I never thought that when I met you 4 years ago you would be such a big part of my life. Honestly I never thought our friendship would amount to anything. We left without a goodbye that summer, but you came back you found me and picked up where fate left off. And I am so happy you did. I’m so happy you saw past my rough exterior and short temper and gave me a shot. That’s what I needed then, for someone to give me a chance. I needed you.

            Now it’s four years later, we’ve had some sun soaked days out by the water and some drunken nights under this bright Maine sky. We’ve had our disagreements; we’ve had our share of laughs. But through it all, in you I have found something truly irreplaceable. I know I will never meet anyone like you, which makes me both happy and sad. Sad because I know there will be moments, days, or years that we will be away from each other and I’m not sure who could fill your place once you’re gone. I am not sure how I can fill that hole. But it also makes me happy because someone as special as you has graced my life, even if our time together wasn’t infinite. Knowing that there is someone like you out there in the world puts a little light in my soul.

            I’m still unsure how you came to be in my life, I’ve questioned it a lot. I suppose I’m just shocked that the universe gave me something as good as you. I haven’t gotten a lot of good things in my life. I have to find the good. But I don’t have to search for that in you because it shines so bright. You found the good in me. And showed me the good in life. I do not know how I can ever repay you, but I promise I will spend an eternity trying.

I’ve made some serious progress on my novel today. Considering I haven’t touched it since I dipped from my manic episode about a month ago, it feels incredible to writing something with meaning again. 

What the fuck am I doing here? It’s blatantly clear I do not belong at this life junction. How much longer can I go on pretending that this is the right situation for me? All I need is my car, my notebook, and a map. What the hell will this degree do for me that’s worth the brick currently living in the pit of my stomach. Get me out. 

I was diagnosed. Here starts the beginning of trying to find the balance in between two extremes. It’s going to change my life, but I can’t let it change who I am. I am more than a clinical diagnosis, I won’t let it define me.

do I want to go to Montana so bad? I feel like I need to be there.

This is the last place

I wanted myself to be.

Wandering around hopeless,

something just short of free.

No real direction,

just a vague outline of dreams.

Poised in the wrong places,

missing one coherent theme.

I did this to myself I guess,

I made me who I am.

No room to place the blame,

on everyone I have damned.

It’s not their fault I grew so cold,

they couldn’t foresee the end.

The couldn’t see me going crazy,

I always seemed to bend.

I fear that finally,

my elasticity has worn out.

It’s about time I crash and burn,

amidst this persistent doubt.

See only a mad man

could stand the place I’m in.

But I’ve learned it’s the truth,

the mad always seem to win.

I never thought that going crazy,

could save me from this mess.

I held on tight so very long,

I tried to do my best.

But this free falling has me laughing

louder than I’ve ever known.

In the stages of madness

my true self was shown.

-L. Abbate